Ok, I’ve Gained Weight (And I Am Not Happy About It)

So I have neglected this blog for months on end.

It’s part writer’s block, part feeling like a fraud, part feeling like I’m not good enough/not getting enough engagement and part laziness. I had a plan to abandon this space all together, to scrap it and start a new blog with a new direction – because that’s what I do. Push things aside and abandon them when they get hard. But I’m a writer and I am passionate about veganism, so I don’t want to leave this space. I just have to let go of my desire to be perfect all the time and only post what I think is perfect content.

I started this blog for myself mainly and then became upset that many people weren’t reading it. Now I am just going to go back to the mindset of having a space to share my thoughts and not trying to fit into the mold of a food/lifestyle blogger and sharing the aesthetic of an Instagram perfect life. Because my life is far from it. I will share recipes from time to time because I enjoy that. I will share vacation photos and tips on where to eat vegan because I enjoy that too. But I also want to be more real.

To be honest the past 10 months or so have been pretty hard on me. I went through a break up and then getting back together with the love of my life. I went from not being able to eat and feeling like my world was at an end and losing weight to eating so much junk food and comforting myself with processed meals that I have gained back nearly all the weight I lost when I first became vegan.

One of the handful of pics I took on vacation because I felt self-conscious about my weight.

I don’t feel like the perfect ambassador for veganism. I’m not skinny, sometimes I am tired and stressed and I have bags under my eyes from insomnia. I get so anxious from my job that I don’t have the energy to do anything creative and that makes me even more miserable. I went from exercising six days a week and feeling strong to working out every two weeks or so. I stopped working out because I was depressed or maybe I was depressed so I stopped working out. Whatever the case, I’ve decided to get my life back on track. I will cut out the vegan junk food and work out five times a week.

Let’s make this clear: I am not trying to be skinny. I suffered from an eating disorder from my teens until my late 20s. While I don’t restrict or purge anymore, sometimes I still binge – which is not healthy. Focusing on filling my body with more whole foods and dealing with my anxiety will help change those patterns.

I will meditate and be grateful for all I have, instead of wallowing. My goal is to write more and share more, whether one person reads it or 100 people do. So I will start fresh tomorrow, with a log of my food and exercise plans. I will also share what I am doing to better my mental health and my self-care tips. My goal is not to be skinny, but to focus on my health and vitality and treat my body with the love and attention it deserves.

This will be a space to keep me accountable, instead of one where I feel intimidated or not good enough.

xoxo

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2 thoughts on “Ok, I’ve Gained Weight (And I Am Not Happy About It)

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